050

12 Relationship 'Nevers' to Remember
(Based on the Experiences of 5.5 Relationships)

1.  Never compromise your beliefs/goals for your S.O.

2.  Never hold onto a relationship in which you’ll be over 100 miles apart.

3.  Never introduce an S.O. to your extended family until a marriage proposal has been made; it will either scare your S.O. away or give your S.O. the impression that your relationship is more serious than you may anticipate.

4.  Never jump into a relationship when you still harbor feelings for an ex.

5.  Never go back to an ex who hurt you; you’re giving him/her permission to do it again.

6.  Never assume you’re in a relationship; third base doesn’t mean a thing.

7.  Never make “your song” a Top 40; if you break up, you’ll hear that shit everywhere.

8.  Never go to bed angry.

9.  Never give a gift you might want back.

10.  Never make promises you don’t intend to keep.

11.  Never  give up on someone who makes you genuinely happy, no matter what.

12.  Gibbs’s Rule: Never date a coworker.

049

I don't know what to write, but I know I need to.

Over the past week or so I've realized that crying doesn't have the same calming effect it used to have on me.  In college I cried a lot--more than the average person.  I cried because it made me feel better, because if I cried I could get all my feelings out.  Now, I've stopped crying.  Crying just leaves me face blotchy, my nose runny, and my eyes bloodshot.  Now, crying makes me feel weak--like I can't hold it together.  I don't like feeling out of control, especially when it comes to my emotions.

But even holding back the tears doesn't change the lump in my throat that never seems to fully subside.  It doesn't change the ache in my chest that keeps coming back.  And it brings on more headaches from holding everything in.

I've had to tell about a dozen people at work--all at separate times--about the break-up, and the worst moment always comes when they ask: "Why?"  And I try to explain what he's told me, and my outlook on it, but my subconscious always has to have her two cents and say, "Yes, Emily, please tell us: why?"  And I don't know the answer.  I can flap my gums over how much freedom he needs, but when it comes down to it, I can't understand why two people, who over the course of a seven-month relationship never fought and claim to love each other, are no longer together.  I can say that I understand, but I don't think I ever really will. 

048

I've been wanting to write for the past day and a half or so, but nothing seems right.  Everything seems too personal for a public blog.  I've rehashed everything to all of my friends a dozen times, but it still doesn't seem real.  Things just sort of crumbled in a matter of days.

I think the worst part is that while I understand all the reasoning, I can't accept it.  The thing I love most about Walter is that he makes me feel young.  We talked a lot about how I went to college and had time to mature, but I don't really feel like I ever had the opportunity to be crazy and stupid.  I joined my sorority in my sophomore year, and it was one of the greatest decisions I made.  However, with that, I was expected to hold myself to a higher standard.  I matured more quickly than I realized.  And then I met Walter.  He gave me a Nerf gun for Christmas, and that can almost sum up our relationship.  Sure, sometimes he'd drive me crazy, but I loved every minute of insanity that i experienced with him.  I wish I could tell him that.  I wish I could tell him that his maturity never mattered to me--that it was exactly what I needed, that I looked forward to seeing him grow and mature on his own time.  But now I can't even do that.  I can't muster up the courage to even text him, because that means clinging to him--something that could, for all I know, drive him further away.  So I wait.  I stare at my phone for hours, just wishing he would text me and say anything, so I'd know how to act and how to talk to him.

This wasn't meant to turn into something sad.  This was supposed to be a way for me to embrace what we had and share the love I felt, the love I still feel.  Maybe this will make sense to someone out there, and someone can give me some advice, because I'm more lost than I've ever been.

047

I haven't written in a long time, but I really need to because I can't get things off my mind.

When I'm upset, I bottle things up inside, and very few people know that anything is bothering me--not even the people who know me best.  I internalize my feelings, which has always been my biggest reasons for writing.  Writing is the only way I know how to express the uncomfortable things I need to talk about.  I started writing after my aunt died when I was twelve.  That was the first time I recall being depressed, and there was no one I knew that I could talk to about my feelings, so I turned to loose leaf paper and a pencil.  Since then, things have changed; now I tend to reach out to this blog or a Word Document, other times my purple pen and my leather-bound journal that a friend gave me. 

So that's why I'm writing tonight, because whether I want to admit it or not, I'm feeling anxious and insecure, and even if I don't say it aloud, I'm beginning to express how I'm feeling.