048

I've been wanting to write for the past day and a half or so, but nothing seems right.  Everything seems too personal for a public blog.  I've rehashed everything to all of my friends a dozen times, but it still doesn't seem real.  Things just sort of crumbled in a matter of days.

I think the worst part is that while I understand all the reasoning, I can't accept it.  The thing I love most about Walter is that he makes me feel young.  We talked a lot about how I went to college and had time to mature, but I don't really feel like I ever had the opportunity to be crazy and stupid.  I joined my sorority in my sophomore year, and it was one of the greatest decisions I made.  However, with that, I was expected to hold myself to a higher standard.  I matured more quickly than I realized.  And then I met Walter.  He gave me a Nerf gun for Christmas, and that can almost sum up our relationship.  Sure, sometimes he'd drive me crazy, but I loved every minute of insanity that i experienced with him.  I wish I could tell him that.  I wish I could tell him that his maturity never mattered to me--that it was exactly what I needed, that I looked forward to seeing him grow and mature on his own time.  But now I can't even do that.  I can't muster up the courage to even text him, because that means clinging to him--something that could, for all I know, drive him further away.  So I wait.  I stare at my phone for hours, just wishing he would text me and say anything, so I'd know how to act and how to talk to him.

This wasn't meant to turn into something sad.  This was supposed to be a way for me to embrace what we had and share the love I felt, the love I still feel.  Maybe this will make sense to someone out there, and someone can give me some advice, because I'm more lost than I've ever been.

047

I haven't written in a long time, but I really need to because I can't get things off my mind.

When I'm upset, I bottle things up inside, and very few people know that anything is bothering me--not even the people who know me best.  I internalize my feelings, which has always been my biggest reasons for writing.  Writing is the only way I know how to express the uncomfortable things I need to talk about.  I started writing after my aunt died when I was twelve.  That was the first time I recall being depressed, and there was no one I knew that I could talk to about my feelings, so I turned to loose leaf paper and a pencil.  Since then, things have changed; now I tend to reach out to this blog or a Word Document, other times my purple pen and my leather-bound journal that a friend gave me. 

So that's why I'm writing tonight, because whether I want to admit it or not, I'm feeling anxious and insecure, and even if I don't say it aloud, I'm beginning to express how I'm feeling. 

046

So, on Thanksgiving everyone says they are thankful for the same things: friends, family, loved ones, opportunities for the future, etc.  While I am thankful for these things, I want to take the time to express the not-so-deeply-rooted things I am thankful for this year.

I am thankful for CollegeHumor, Joan Rivers' snarky remarks, McDonalds french fries, feather boas, The Graham Norton Show, Starbucks mochas, Channing Tatum's abs, William Shakespeare's works, every song covered by Glee, Youtube, Qwerty keyboards, Girl Scout cookies (especially Samoas), peach incense, free wine at religious ceremonies, oversized sweatshirts, bathing suits on sale in November, the Tardis, online shopping, Mario (but not Luigi), Tucky Williams' smile, Ravenclaw house, Justin Bieber's haircut, zebra-print, do-it-yourself tye-dye, gingers, the middle finger, dimples of Venus, Postsecret Sundays, Monday night Football, chocolate-covered pretzels, peacock feathers, skinny jeans, anything said by Albus Dumbeldore, cookie dough, perfectly placed mistletoe, carnival rides, pink plaid rainboots, sparklers, rollercoasters with double helices, Alan Rickman's voice, composition notebooks, and Google.

045

It astounds me how tired I become sometimes, just by being in bed.  I woke up this morning at six, and after a quick trip to the bathroom, I got back in bed.  I wasn't tired at all, so I browsed my Facebook News Feed from my phone for fifteen minutes or so, liking the things that I missed after going to bed around 11:30.  Once I reached my status that I put up before bed (about my mother's delicious cookies), I closed the app and decided to go back to sleep.  I fell back to sleep easily and didn't wake up again til 11:42, at which time the other half of my bed was taken up by lap-dog wannabe.

I got up then, recognizing that twelve hours was more than enough sleep for the normal functioning adult.  I ate an unhealthy breakfast--or rather brunch--and watched mindless television for an hour.  I came back upstairs and sat at my computer.  Then, I thought to myself, 'Self, you have a netbook.  Why don't you just sit in bed and use the internet from there?'  I couldn't really come up with a suitable argument against myself, so I pulled out my husband pillow, who had been named a year ago but was now nameless due to my inability to remember, and burrowed under my comforter and fleece blanket.  After looking for jobs--in which I discovered that NCIS actually exists and that it is impossible to get a government job without experience--I felt my eyelids begin to sag.  With my lower half heated by blankets and a warm netbook, I was beginning to feel tired once more.  Why does this happen?  Why, when I get ample sleep each night, do I find myself tired?  Is it because I have nothing to do?  Because I'm sure I can find a number of things to get done.

It's times like these that I wonder how I made it by in college with four hours of sleep after writing a five-page essay on The Tempest and a ten-page paper on Much Ado About Nothing, because I didn't bother to work on the former until the last minute.  Then, of course, I have to ask myself, 'How on earth did I pass Shakespeare's Comedies anyway?'

044

Tonight I'm feeling sort of dry when it comes to inspiration.  A lot of things are bouncing around in my head, but it's just sort of hard to grab a hold of one when they're whizzing by so quickly.  So, I did a bunch of Googling to find a blog prompt.  When I was unsuccessful, I decided that I'm in a list-making mood.  So, here are five lists of three:

Three Celebrity Crushes
1. Michelle Rodriguez
2. Kellan Lutz
3. Mark Salling

Three Favorite Book Characters
1. Luna Lovegood (of the Harry Potter series)
2. Wanda (of Stephenie Meyer's The Host)
3. Vivian (of Annette Curtis Klause's Blood and Chocolate)

Three Favorite Things to Wear
1. Spandex shorts
2. Camisole tank tops
3. Pearls

Three Things I Want in a Relationship
1. Honesty
2. Immaturity at appropriate times
3. Cuddling

Three Things I'd Do If I Weren't So Afraid
1. Bungee-jump
2. Fool around in a library
3. Sleep on my roof under the stars

043

At the time, you don't realize the moments you're going to wish you could remember perfectly.  It's not like a TV show, where the next three seasons of life are scripted perfectly and filed away for good measure.  No, life comes at you fast, and events occur that you never would have expected two months ago, or even two years ago.  Two years ago, I didn't know it yet, but I was falling in love.  Two years ago, I didn't know it yet, but in a few hours I would be lying in my best friend's bed, agreeing to date a girl I would in two weeks time fall in love with.

I wasn't smart enough to think that maybe I should write down what I was feeling and what was happening--write about how my world was spinning at a hundred miles an hour, and I was doing everything in my power just to keep my balance.  I wish I had written it all down.  I wish I could have been prepared for this day, when I sit in my bed with my laptop in front of me, unable to open a Word Document because I know that I'll never remember everything perfectly.  So, now I'll put off writing things down again, and soon the memories will fade even more, because I'll tell myself I'm still not ready to write down that story.

Sooner or later I'll write that story with twisted facts and figures.  Sooner or later I'll have to see her again and tell her that I want it published, but it's all about her.  Sooner or later she'll read it and tell me that I got this and that wrong.  Sooner or later, with if's and maybe's, I'll do the things that my heart says I need to.  But for now I'll just bottle it up and save it for later.

042

Since so many friends have asked what I want for Christmas, I'm going to post a list of things I might like here.  I sort of hate doing this just because I'm afraid I'll end up with like five of one thing, but I'm going to post it just to make life easier.  Just include gift receipts, please!

-Anything relating to my sorority
-Friends with Benefits DVD
-Black Swan DVD
-Wicked Soundtrack
-The Green Lantern DVD
-Red Riding Hood DVD
-Sorority Row DVD
-Chain Reaction by Simone Elkeles
-Burlesque DVD
-Sims 3 Deluxe (and any expansion packs)
-How To Train Your Dragon DVD
-Break the Spell CD (Daughtry)
-The Periodic Table of Storytelling
-Generic phone car charger
-Dead Poets Society DVD
-Any Glee soundtracks except Volume 1 & the Christmas album (I already have them)